"That's Not My Dog!"

Leaving the glitzy strip behind we headed south back to Arizona. As the summer season was coming to an end, we knew we could safely camp at Lake Havasu without the worry of being shot in the eye by a college girl's bikini top or getting puked on by a frat boy. We chose Cattail Cove State Park because they were dog friendly and allowed dogs in the water at one of the beaches.  We met Ranger Mike who warned us profusely about the threat of rattlesnakes in the area. He must have said 7 times, "I mean I'm not trying to scare you or anything.. but we're pullin' them out of the bathroom every morning here.. I think their nest is right here." Pointing to the entrance of the Dog Beach trail head. Luckily, I am not awake at 6:00 am when the rangers are supposedly elbow deep in rattlers in the restrooms, so I figured I was safe as far as that goes. But I was pretty paranoid walking with Captain Oblivious the Dog Wonder through the brush to the beach until I met a nice couple from Palm Springs who said that they camp here quite often and haven't seen a snake all summer. It was decided that Ranger Chatty Cathy was likely bluffing or exaggerating at the very least and had just wanted some attention as he's stuck in that booth alone for so many hours a day.
We swam in Lake Havasu for several hours with the dog, me working fervently to tan my chest and rid myself of the bad swimsuit strap lines so that I wouldn't look stupid in my new strapless dress courtesy of a Las Vegas thrift store. What a stark contrast, Utah vs. Las Vegas thrift stores... Anyway, so I'm avoiding sunscreen like the plague trying to make my white tan lines vanish, jumping in the lake every few minutes to beat the heat. We made dinner and were a captive audience to the giant church youth group that we shared the campground with. Worship hour didn't last too long and then it was back to just obnoxious teenage banter, yelling, running, screaming, and the like minus swear words because these kids were churchies. 

After a shower I shared with several giant spiders, I reassessed my tan line situation. Awesome. After a day at the Vegas pool and one day at the shore of Lake Havasu, I now had a super sweet heat rash. Nothing looks worse than tacky tan lines than itchy, blistering, red bumps all over one's chest.

We left Havasu for Tacna, Arizona the home of snowbird, Kitty Siebels and her boyfriend of a million years, badass Texan, Victor Neinast. Grandpa Vic met us at the gas station to lead us back to their house as Grandma had a hard time giving directions. Kai had to fight hard to keep up with speeding Vic in grandma's Corolla up ahead of us. She met us outside and we gave hugs all around. We then followed them in to Vic's house, Kaylee in between us. All of a sudden, Victor takes off his giant cowboy hat and is flailing around the living room swatting at the dog. He then kicks at the dog who is at this point freaked the french out and scurries out of the house. Vic slams the door shut behind her locking both Kaylee and Kai out of the home. I have to physically close my open jaw to ask what the &%*$ just happened. Victor has a tracheostomy, so he communicates via belching and has ever since I was a child. He's also had a couple of strokes as well as a recent car accident that left him with a brain bleed. Despite all of this, he is still sharp as a whistle and continues every day to make inappropriate dirty jokes and has not lost his Texas sized temper. My grandmother sits down and gets back to her beer as though nothing has happened, and I'm still confused as Vic is trying to shout, "That's not my dog!!!" Well no shit, it's my dog. What just happened here... turns out, Vic forgot that we had a dog and believed that KK was one of the neighbors many dogs that often run around loose and sneak into his house. I looked across the street where the neighbors yard was filled with no less than 6 dogs, so I could see that this was probably an on-going problem for Vic. He apologized profusely at this point, which we accepted and sat down to visit. KK finally came out of the van several hours later at which point she scuttled under the coffee table and acted even more spastic than normal. 

We visited and ate some dinner Vic had made for us before heading to bed. The next day we travelled with Vic and Grandma to Martinez Lake to meet Vic's daughters and grandchildren. His daughter and her husband have a beautiful home on the lake and had a Mexican feast prepared in honor of Vic and Kitty's birthdays. The house is several stories and at each stair case there is an electric lift which Vic rides like a bronco. Later that night we did some laundry back at grandma's house before hitting the hay.

Vic the Prick

The next day was the day of our friend's bachelorette party, meaning we had about 6 hours to get me to San Diego to participate. All across America we've seen funny billboards for giant Adam and Eve Adult Superstores, but in the drive from Yuma, AZ to San Diego, CA I couldnt find a sex store to save my life. I needed provisions for the bachelorette party STAT!!!

Gamblor- Lord of the Slot Machineths

After a good visit with my old roommate Amanda, we hit the Motel 6 near the strip. Despite witnessing security having to throw out a man from room 102, we found this to be the very cleanest and nicest Motel 6 yet. The rooms were newly remodeled with flat screen TVs and the pool was clean and refreshing. We were within walking distance to the strip, a place that despite my just being there 2 years ago, had changed so drastically. It's like David Copperfield himself is in charge of the construction in that town, now you see this building, now you don't... here's a shiny new one in its place. We walked up and down the strip in awe of all the newness. 

Old School

I don't think you'd find this at any Utah thrift store..

 We had been to Indian casinos across the country and to Atlantic City, but really there's just one Las Vegas. After several drink specials and $11.00 lost to slot machines, we hopped on the monorail back toward our end of the strip. As we were driving away the next morning Kai said, "Yeah I don't really think I ever really need to come back here again."

Joseph Smith's Wonderland and His Magical, Golden Tablets

After our sad departure from heaven, we continued via Truckster to Mormon Country. Utah has so many amazing National and State Parks to choose from but we were limited on time as our friends' wedding in San Diego was rapidly approaching- AND we still had to visit Grandma Kitty in Yuma. So with rapid speed we headed to Kanab, UT for breakfast before hitting the parks. We had some illegal coffee and some breakfast burritos in the home of Don Knotts - or at least I think that's what the plaque had said. While we gassed up the Truckster, I spotted a thrift store I wanted to check out. Contrary to what you might be thinking, I've been uber restrained on this trip, limiting my purchases to needs for the van like groceries, and one shirt I bought for myself back in Deadwood, SD. I know it sounds weird, but Kai doesn't really love going to garage sales in strange cities or thrift stores especially now that we're homeless. Odd, I know, but this is what I'm dealing with here. Hoping to find something cute and new to wear to the wedding, we proceeded to the thrift store in Kanab. It took just about 43 seconds to know that this was a bad choice. I cannot stress enough to everyone out there who may be thinking of thrifting in Utah, THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Of course it was filled with 30 year old polyester pant suits and full length skirts and horrible long sleeve, long dresses- we were in Utah! When I sent a photo of some of the dresses to friends back home I received more than one sister-wife joke. This was not good... we just had to make it to the door without being converted. We ran to the van and sped on to Bryce Canyon National Park.

And for my third wife...

Our friends Paul and Nancy had recommended doing a quick drive through the hoodoo packed Bryce before spending some time in Zion National Park. So that we did and we found it to be a easy, Griswold friendly tour, stopping at each view point with the oldies and snapping a shot or two, knowing full well that we would spend some quality time in Zion to make up for this.

We shared the canyon with some real yahoos... more of the same really but were pretty impressed with these ambitious folks who travel with their stationery bike on the back of their vehicle. Hiking the canyons just isn't enough for this family from Ohio, they need to do a few miles on the Precor as well. 

After our super tour of Bryce we headed southwest to Zion National Park. Upon arriving at the east entrance, we were informed that all of the parks campgrounds were fully booked. It then dawned on us that it was the weekend. For the first time since beginning OFT, we hit a National Park on a busy weekend. We toured through the south end of the park before exiting the west end to look for a campground outside of the park. We were turned away at a RV park due to air conditioning limitations. The woman at the front desk asked if we had a pet, yes we do, then asked if our Truckster has AC, yes it does but just in the cab. Then she said, "Well, I'm so sorry but I cant let you stay here... you must have AC in the rear as well." I'm pretty confused at this point as it's 69 degrees out this evening and I'm no where close to needing air conditioning. I told her we wouldn't be leaving our pet in the hot van the next day either, that the dog goes with us nearly everywhere. She still wouldn't budge. She told me that further up the road she often sees people squatting near the river for free and that we should try to camp there. Also weird... did she get one look at the Truckster and think that we were some sort of boondocking, squatting hippies? Possibly. 

Hoo Dat?

So we headed down the road further and further away from the park entrance. We found squat town and pulled in. There was a VW van at one end and a Ram pickup stuck in the sand at the other. We pulled into one of the middle "campsites"... I say "campsites" like they're numbered but it was obvious that people camp here for free often as certain areas are completely bare of vegetation. I opened the door to assess our home location for the night and couldn't even bring myself to step out of the vehicle. When I looked down there was about 900 angry, large red ants freaking the french out because I think the Truckster had just ran over their house. I looked at Kai and simply said, "I can't stay here tonight." He glanced over my seat to see the pissed off mob down below, "Eeew." We moved the van to another spot closer to the VW and hopped out. Quickly we realized that we hadn't run over any ant hills, but we were in fact surrounded by them. Mostly the hills were the homes to smaller black ants but right where I would've liked to set up my dinner table, there was a war going on between the large red ones and the little black ones. After being bit on the toe back in Savannah by a small red ant, I didn't even want to know what the large ones could do. Kai said, "Well this isn't good..." We loaded in the van and left the ant wars behind without knowing the outcome.

Further down the highway we pulled into the Zion River Resort, the plushest RV park around. In the lobby, we checked in and found that they had a spa, a pool, a movie playing in the game room, showers, free wifi, and a high end gift shop. I bought myself an early birthday present, some perfume from the gift store and we headed out to our campsite. We were the smallest vehicle there surrounded by those condominiums on wheels pulling BMW's. It was nearly $50.00 to camp that night but we swam in the pool and didn't see an ant for the next 16 hours.

Zion River Resort Views

The next morning we headed back to Zion excited to drive through the main part of the canyon. When we got to the gate we discovered that you couldn't drive your own vehicle through that section of the park yet. It was October 1 but the shuttle busses didn't stop running until October 31. So, maybe this is why that lady was so concerned about the pet in the non-air conditioned vehicle....? We headed back to town in search of a kennel that we could board KK up while we shuttled through the park.

 We pulled into the Doggy Dude Ranch around 1:00 pm. We met one of the employees and got the full tour. They had trailers in the yard that were air conditioned they had converted into dog friendly housing, but she said, "Most of the dogs just like to run around the yard and play with all the toys and each other and run through the misters when they get hot." This sounded great for any other dog but our own. Upon meeting Kaylee, Shayna the employee said, "You know, why don't we just put Kaylee inside by her self where it's dark and cool." Perfect! They threw a traumatizing lasso style leash over her head like a dog catcher and told us to walk away... sure enough when I looked back she was going with the nice ladies into the cool home. 

Sheriff Dangle

We laughed a little guiltily as we headed back to the park. We parked on the street and hopped on the free shuttle. Equipped with our flip flops, camera, jerky, gummy worms, and a bottle of water, we set out into Zion. We toured via bus all the way to the end and hopped off at the Narrows. The Narrows is a beautiful red rock tight canyon you can hike to through the Virgin River. We did the River Walk, passing people as we power walked in our flip flops, rushing as we only had until 6:00 pm to pick up our dog. At the end of the paved path, it was clear you had to get down into the river to complete the hike to the Narrows. In shorts and flippy floppies, we trudge across the knee deep icy water. For a brief time you get to walk along the banks before having to cross the glacial water again. Each time we crossed the water got deeper and deeper. After some time of toe clenching flip flop hiking, we stopped to ask some guys how much further we had to go. These two were wet up to their chests as they walked back toward the main trail. They informed us it was just a few more hours up ahead and to be prepared to get water up to your chest, or maybe even my neck. How is it that we were so freaking ill-prepared.. every park we visit we read up on everything there is to do. In Zion we were those people who don't educate themselves at all and get lost in a canyon suffering from hypothermia. I told Kai there was no way we were continuing on in flip flops and one bottle of water and gummy worms as our sustenance. We made our way back down the icy river to the paved 1 mile path back to the shuttle just as the sun was getting hidden by clouds. While on the bus we referred to the literature provided at the gate, turns out the complete Narrows hike is just a short 16 FREAKING MILES DOWN RIVER!!! What the french were we thinking? Death narrowly escaped, we took the long shuttle ride back to the entrance of the park. We hopped in the van and headed to the Doggy Dude Ranch to pick up our little Cowdog. She howled as she realized we had come back for her and Kai and I both noticed a new large bandaid on the thigh of one of the employees. Both employees said Kaylee was a very good dog, just slept all day and didn't make a peep. Still we couldn't help but be leery as that bandaid was right at KK height on this chick's leg.... Maybe they had a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy here... We loaded up and praised the dog for being such a good girl! We stopped at a grocery store on the way out of Utah for munchies and a free copy of the Book of Mormon as a wedding gift for Matt and Renata, fingers crossed they know how to read Danish. We left as the sun was setting, ready to get our sinnin' on, headed toward Las Vegas.

Our attempt at the Narrows

In the words of Clark W. Griswold: Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.

Driving from New Mexico to Arizona there continued to be lots of Navajo arts and craft stands and more and more radio stations began to stream. According to scientists, the Navajo are believed to be descendants of Athapascans who migrated down from Western Canada some hundreds and hundreds of years ago to the Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona. Maybe that's the reason this Alaskan girl felt the need to get rhythm when this tribal music came on public radio???

We drove quickly through Arizona's Petrified Forest National Park, a sort of mini excursion to tide us over until we reached the grand daddy of all parks, the Grand Canyon. The petrified forest looked an awful lot like South Dakota's Badlands but with trees that turned to stone and some cool native ruins. It was a short drive and then we were back on the interstate heading west toward Flagstaff.

According to the guide books the eastern and northern rim of the Grand Canyon are pretty damn impressive. We pulled into the park just in the nick of time to see the sun setting over the beautiful landscape. We quickly snapped photos and set out to grab a camp site. The next morning we awoke to find we were the last ones left in the campground at 9:00 am as we usually tend to be. Other campers must not have as comfortable of beds as we do with our midget mattress.

Look kids, Grand Canyon- Ok let's go, get in the car

Controlled forest fires in the park

We toured the southeastern rim by car, pulling over to take photos with the busloads of Germans, French, Japanese, and Italian tourons. There's something about the European tourists with their matching safari khakis, their scarfed necks, large brimmed sun hats, and completely un-scuffed new hiking boots that just scream FOREIGNER. The chain smoking while photographing America's national parks is also a dead giveaway. So we try to be tolerant and share the road and scenic view points with these people while marveling in their nimnardery (you won't find that word in Merriam-Webster, I just made it up). After seeing as much canyon as we could take, we headed to Page, AZ and Lake Powell to visit with old family friends Paul and Nancy. 

We met them and their family in the parking lot of the Walmart Supercenter as they loaded their vehicles with 4 carts worth of ice and "provisions" for the week they were about to spend out on Paul's nephew's houseboat. JR and his wife Cheryl live in Denver but come out once or twice a year to use their badass ski boat and their co-op owned houseboat. We just happen to be in the right Walmart parking lot at the right time because we were soon invited to join them for a cocktail on the boat which soon turned into an overnight stay on the boat, which, if it weren't for that mangy mutt of ours, probably could've been worked out to spend the whole week with this crew. KK did just fine and all the folks aboard spoiled her rotten with treats and scraps, but we had the rest of our road trip to do and these guys were heading out of the harbor up into the 130 mile long lake to spend the week skiing, wake-boarding, jet-skiing, and generalized relaxing in style. We had a great night getting caught up with Paul and Nancy who left Alaska back in 2004 for warmer climates and new adventures. Paul and Nancy and Paul's brother, George, each took a stateroom below as we ventured up to the top deck with JR and Cheryl to sleep beneath the stars. On the open-air top deck of the boat we laid out giant pads and our sleeping bags and watched the stars until we fell asleep. All rested up the next morning our generous hosts offered to take us out for a spin on the boat but we opted to get a head start to the National Parks of Utah instead. Plus it was about a mile walk back to land from the slip to get the dog to do her business and it's always good to leave while the hosts still like you. Now that we're Americans, we hope to join these guys again on a similar trip soon. Because kickin' it on a houseboat with good beer and good people certainly doesn't suck.

Is New Mexico Desolate?

That was the question we received from Kai's mom as he sat in the Truckster awaiting his turn to tour the caverns. We were stoked to find out that the National Park service provided air conditioned kennels for dogs while you were under ground in the creepy cave, but when I took KK in, there was no room left. The kennel had no more "large breed" kennels available as the last one was broken. We stood there in a 8x8 room while dogs stacked 2-3 high in crates barked ferociously at us while the clerk tried to jerry rig the broken cage. After about 5 minutes I told her to give up as Kaylee was shaking and I was developing an intense headache from this hostile dog experience. We decided to take turns going down the 750 foot elevator shaft to tour the Big Room on a self guided 45 minute walk. I went first with cameras in hand, bottle of water and extra clothing as were recommended by the rangers. I found the 56 degree weather to be absolutely refreshing and delightful after Austin's 103 degrees and the intense desert sun. I never put on the long sleeve and finally could catch my breath after all the elevation of the Guadalupe Mountains. I speed walked through the tour, stopping for photos and placards to educate myself. It was eery down there in the dark caverns alone with water dripping from the immense ceiling that looked like stone icicles that could impale your skull at any given moment. I really picked up the pace though after reading about the bat shit and the cave spiders and cave crickets that evidently inhabit this oddly large dark hole. The Big Room was over 600,000 square feet, I cant remember how many football fields that is, and don't care because I don't watch sports, but it was HUGE. Super impressive still was the fact that this was so accessible, with paved paths and guard rails, strategically placed lighting, and an elevator that goes down 750 feet in 58 seconds. After I made it to the top, Kai went in for his tour while I baked in the sun working on my tan. We both agreed it had been worth the stop and were thankful to be cool if only for an hour. 

We headed up to Roswell where I proceeded to pull a Sherene and screw up the names of the agents on the old show The X-Files. Roswell, NM is the site of the 1947 alleged alien space craft crash which was allegedly covered up by the alleged American military (that might be one too many allegeds but the story seemed a little fishy to me). It's now basically a town filled with chain restaurants and Comfort Inn's and a bunch of nerds. There is an alien painted on the side of every building in town and several mock UFO's either in parking lots or sticking out the side of a business. We ate quickly at a rib joint before continuing on to Albuquerque. God I'd hate to live in Albuquerque, it is such a difficult city to spell. 

Um, excuse me, I'd prefer a booth

Alien Bandito

Unfortunately for us, the Albuquerque Balloon Festival was coming up in just a few days so every campground was already filled with geeks who are into watching hot air balloons. So we had to push on into the darkness. With spotty cell reception, I found a website dedicated to free RV camping and we soon learned and experienced a new kind of road living. It's called Boondocking and it's essentially camping out in parking lots of casinos, hotels, public lands and Walmarts (something we were already quite aware of). We pulled in next to the other boondockers and longhaul truckers at the Route 66 Indian Casino and Hotel off I-40 and quickly freshened up and fed the dog. We went inside for a cocktail and a little Lady Luck. She was not with us this night however, but $7.00 gin and tonics were. We had just a drink each and attempted to pull an Atlantic City on this bitch, but to no avail. After losing 3 dollars I called it quits and decided to head to bed. Two disgusting truck stop hotdogs later, we were in the Truckster sleeping for the night in a parking lot next to the interstate. We showered the next morning back at the truckstop and grabbed some burritos for the road. We continued on toward Arizona in  search of some giant hole in the ground.